I'm Not Laurel
by mewlingquimlover
Summary: He doesn't love Felicity but he can't walk away from her either. Funny how things change in a blink of an eye.


** Authors Note: This was written a while back before Sara made it back on the show. So complete AU. **

* * *

It's three in the morning and my window is wide open. My eyes try to match it but my lids are getting heavy, outweighing the emotion that beats my heart every night.

_Is he alive, is he dead?_

Silk curtains to long for the window shuffle against the wooden floor. Pieces of the breeze sneak up and bite against my skin.

I welcome it though, I want it.

It stirs me, pushing my sleep at bay for just a moment. That's all I need, just a moment to see him. To know he is here and then I can sleep. Then I cannot have nightmares of waking up alone and turning the news on to hear they found his body.

"_Please God.. I'm so tired.." _It's a familiar prayer but tonight I need it more than ever. Things have changed since Laurel's sister has come back, from the dead? No one knows. But she is here and alive, picking up the role of the passing Huntress. He pushes himself harder to do more in one night now. To be everyone's hero, to save her, to help her from crossing a line she will regret later so Laurel will not hate him. _It will always be Laurel in the end._

He doesn't need another Huntress.

I don't need another Huntress.

Heavy footsteps echo on my fire escape, the floor moans with new weighted steps moving along it. I don't sit up, I don't know acknowledge him. I always make him come to me because if I reach for him, he can pull away _I'm scared he will pull away _and right now I am all he has.

But he is all I have too.

"_Thank you God."_

Mixtures between metal and leather slap my bedroom floor and I catch him staring at me for just a second with an unknown emotion. It's a look he has never given me but those blues are never far from mine, not when they pierced my soul the first time he came through my bedroom window. It was the same night I played in the underground casino and he had to save me.

Small traces of dried green liquid stick to this face. Left over pieces of his mask that will always remind me of who he is.

He moves into the bed and as soon as his body touches mine my hands gravitate to his face. He leans in and kisses me with urgency. _Tonight was bad._ His lips push harder against mine, making me open my mouth to him. The touch of his stubble scraps along the edges of my lips. I try to pull away but he doesn't let me, not even to breathe. He devours my lips, moving his tongue with mine. _Tonight was a really bad night._

My hands move to his chest, fingers pressing into his skin, nails into his scars to make him stop.

It's like suffocation, the way he kisses me.

His lips let go of mine and he mouths "I'm sorry." I exhale a breath and suck in my lips for a moment. "I'm sorry … I'm sorry…" he whispers to me and I know he isn't talking about the kiss. He is talking about what happened tonight. He was going after Sara to send her on a one trip somewhere to help her.

"I'm not Laurel." I tell him.

His lips move open and confusion pools his empty eyes.

"Stop apologizing for Sara. I'm not Laurel." I can't stop myself, it's not the first time he has come to my bed and confused me for the love of his life. I was afraid of pushing him away, so I would let him use me because I thought this was what he needed. He has nothing to say so he reacts the only way he knows how.

He pins my body beneath his, the touch of his hands are rough with calluses as he keeps my hands firmly pressed next to my head into my pillow. Hunger and anger dance inside his eyes, that is a look I know. A look reserved for me on nights like this. _I wonder if he ever took Laurel like this._

He presses his lips hard against mine, demands me to give in, biting my bottom lip. I close my eyes and give in, he dives in and I kiss back just as hard. Moving my tongue with his, lifting my head when he tries to pull away, keeping his lips grounded on mine. Biting his this time when he pulls too far away from me. His hands slid of my arms and he looks at me as he holds himself. My fingers take hold of his face, thumbs pushing on the skin under his eyes.

"Say it." I ask him tenderly, I need him to say it. I can't keep diving in head first, not with him because he is so close to holding my heart.

"I need you to say it .. acknowledge it.." I beg him now, tears fall from my eyes and it's killing me to do this because I know he may walk away and this can never happen again.

"I need you to know I'm not Laurel. You can't come here, take things from me and then cry her name in your sleep next to me." _Please just say my name, let me know you see me, not her._

"I know you're not."

"Then say it."

"You deserve more than this. " He whispers to me, turning his face into the palm of my hand. Lips press firmly against it and it breaks my heart. I know what this kiss is.

"Goodbye Felicity." He tells me and I watch him pull away from me.

* * *

I hear it, the explosion.

"Oliver.. " I whisper, so scared of knowing the truth right now.

White static noise fills the room and burns the inside my ear like a bad ear ache. It's painful but I can't pull the microphone out of my ear, I have to know. Wait for a sound.

The room shakes and everything around me beings to crumble. My eyes close and tears kiss my face, my teeth pull in my bottom lip and I wait while the pressure builds up. I can't take it anymore, I have to know.

"Oliver!" .. I scream out his name, my heart stopping for a moment.

"Felicity .. are you okay?"

I choke on a sob, "Yeah .." I tell him between soft cries. But then it goes dead, no more static, no more nothing. The power is out and the harsh florescent lights kick on, uncovered bulbs swaying above me on electrical wire as the emergency generator kicks on.

"Get up Felicity." I tell myself, forcing my legs to stand up. I grab my bag and throw my laptop and tablet in it. I make a run for the stairs and look behind me, I have no idea what else to grab. What to just leave behind as a second thought before I flip the switch and destroy it all. No one can find this stuff, no one can know who he is.

Or that I even existed in his world.

So I run up the steps and when I reach the top, I punch in a key code on the security pad that I wired to trigger just this – removal of The Hood. It starts with the computers, like an electrical surge and one by one they smoke and screen shatters. Equipment tables and weapon closet are next, one by one the explosions are triggered like a chain reaction.

"Goodbye Oliver." I say alone before walking out the door, shutting it I lock it one last time with a special password. One last bomb, one last explosion and I now have one minute to get the hell out of here before it takes me down.

…

Finding my apartment still in tack makes me sigh, I knew it would be. It's not the Glades, of course it would still be standing.

"Felicity just get through the night." I tell myself, walking through the door.

Closing it, locking it I feel a stir of paranoia run through me. Heels still on, I peep through the eye hole, nothing, of course there is nothing. Everyone is tucked into their house crying over people they don't know nor care about.

Stepping out of my shoes, I start clicking on the lights as I move through each room, the foray, the kitchen, the hallway and the bathroom as I make my final stop. Looking at the mirror my hands reach for my face, index finger rubbing harshly against the swollen skin under my eyes. Black mascara and not so bright anymore eye shadow that has fallen beneath my eyes and painted my cheek bones.

Pushing harder, rubbing harder I try to get it off with fingers alone. I know I am having a brake down and I need to stop. My hands shake and I drop them to the bathroom sink edge. Gripping on tightly to the porcelain I learn how to breathe again and collect my mental status.

A deep breathe in, a long exhale out and I feel the cracks in my lips splitting.

_"Lip-gloss and chap-stick, no lipstick for a few days."_ It's my own awkward way of dealing with things.

Stripping down to nothing I notice nicks and bruises forming here and there. I don't remember getting hit by debris but to be honest I don't remember feeling anything while waiting to hear his voice. I was just numb for a moment.

Turning around I twist my neck a little and notice the edge of something silver sticking out of my back.

"What the hell? How do I not feel that!"I blurt out, angry at my own self.

Stretching my arm into a weird position my finger tips grab it, the edge barely in my hold as I start to pull it out. It's smooth and doesn't take but a second but hurts like hell. Bringing it to my view I study it for a moment in the palm of my hand, "The tip of an arrow."

I toss it into the sink and watch my fresh blood on it collect in the water residue at the bottom of the sink. In a twisted way, I'm glad to have it because at least I still have a piece of him. To let me know he was real, what we did was real.

"Shower Felicity." I tell myself, twisting back around my hand latches onto the door handle. Pulling it open I freeze, I can hear heavy footsteps I know all too well moving along my floor. Bedroom floor, window is open!

"Oliver!" I push his name out between a scream and ragged breath but my body can't move.

I look to the side at the open bathroom door and there he is.

"Felicity. You're here, I went to find you… it was gone.. I thought.. "

"I had too, to keep your secret."

He moves closer to me, his hands on my face and those rough gloves make me feel him, letting me know I'm not insane.

"Oliver .. " And the tears come falling again. I figured he would be with Laurel, I set him free and he said goodbye.

"Tell me I'm not too late."

I look at him confused with blurry eyes.

"Felicity." He whispers and then it clicks. He said it. And he is here, not with her even though she was there. He went to look for me, not her. **_He said my name._**

"No, you're right on time." My voice is horsed but it doesn't matter, his lips are on mine and my back is against the glass shower door.

His hands slide down to my ass, lifting me as he smothers my mouth with his. It's rushed an almost sloppy, doesn't matter. My legs wrap around his waist as he holds me up. I arch my back off the glass, pushing my hips on him, creating a friction that I need.

I press my lips hard against his, taking control of the kiss now. Sucking, pushing, moving… it's like second nature with him. The way we pull away and then dive back in is like drowning in a kiss. Harder I kiss him, wanting to bruise his lips.

Finally the need for air kicks in and I let his lips go, he leans his forehead against mine. My feet touch the ground, I reach for the front of his pants, undoing them and then he pushes away my hands. Turning my body around my hands flatten against the glass door, he keeps his gloves on, pulling my hips out and already I know my body is ready for him.

He pushes in me and it's exquisite.

He fills me, stretches me to him. Those thick fingers push hard into to my hips, bringing me back to meet his hips and it make me yelp at taking him fully at his force. This isn't going to be soft, this is a need to make things right in a fucked up way.

Driving into me, my hands slip and I feel my body quivering as he hits a spot that can only be reached by this position. Over and over, harder and harder he flat out fucks me like a mindless puppet. I want it, crave it and let him take me like this.

One of his hands lets go of my hip and slides his covered fingers between my legs, rubbing up against my wet flesh, setting my nerves on fire. My body twitches against his hold as I ride out this new wave of pleasure. He notices it and no sooner does he have both his hands back on my hips, pushing harder I feel everything he does now intensified. His fingers dig into my hips and his thrust stop as he keeps me planted firmly still wrapped around him as he finds his release.

Silence washes over us and I for once have no I idea what to say.

He lets go of me and twist me quickly around to face him, slowly he bends down and kisses me softly. Moving softly and slowly as I savior this moment of tenderness between. It's our first kiss … like this.

"Stay Oliver .. with me." I ask him and he smiles softly.

"Always."


End file.
